


Who says you can't go home?

by Eve1978



Category: James 'Bucky' Barnes - Fandom, Sebastian Stan - Fandom
Genre: Angst and Feels, Drama & Romance, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-09-03 13:53:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8716435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eve1978/pseuds/Eve1978
Summary: This is my first attempt at writing Bucky, and people who are familiar with my Loki stories will know more or less what to expect. This is my version of Bucky and I can only hope you guys like him too. I have to thank my hubby who put this idea in my head.The story is AU and is set somewhere between The Winter Soldier and Civil War.





	1. Chapter 1

Jess filled up the plate with food and handed it to Jack, the old man who was last in line at the homeless shelter that evening.

‘Thank you, my dear,’ Jack grabbed the plate with shaking hands and rewarded her with a dashing smile, showing off his missing bottom teeth,’ you’re an angel sent from God.’

‘Oh no, Jack, I can assure you I’m just a volunteer,’ Jess smiled,’ the people who run this place day in day out are the real angels.’

‘Well, you are an angel in my book, and a beautiful one on top of that, if I was 30 years younger I’d ask you out for a night on the town and blow your socks off,’ the old man winked at her and made his way to one of the tables.

‘I’m sure you would,’ Jess shook her head in a smile and started cleaning up the counter when she felt someone else watching her. 

She knew who it was even before she looked up, the mysterious man with the long dark hair and the sad face, he always came in when everyone else was already seated and he never spoke a word to anyone. 

 The first couple of times he came in here he had just stood there staring at the food from a distance, as if he was afraid to come closer. This went on for 5 days in a row until Jess started feeling sorry for him and could no longer stand to watch. 

‘Wait, don’t run, I only want to help you!’ she had yelled which had made him stop just before heading out the door. 

She still remembered the look on his face, as if he was afraid to even look directly into her eyes.  He looked a lot younger from up close, more a boy than a man, but what struck her most was this undeniable sadness in his eyes.   
Whatever his story was, she knew it must have been a tragic one and her heart broke for him. How could he be so young and so lost?

He had just stood there in front of her, keeping his head down and avoiding eye contact while she spoke. She wasn’t even sure if he understood English but she needed to at least try and help him, so she did the only thing she could think of.

‘I will leave the last plate on the counter for you, you can wait until everyone is gone and I am in the kitchen to come get it,’ she kept her voice low and soft, trying not to scare him away,’ is that okay?’

He had left without giving her an answer but Jess had been true to her word anyway. She left a plate for him after her shift and when she watched him come in she made her way into the kitchen and waited for five minutes. When she returned to the room the plate was gone and so was he.

She had done the same thing every day since, they still hadn’t shared a word in all those months.

He was wearing his usual outfit today, a baseball cap to hide most of his face and a hoodie with gloves underneath. She had never seen him without that hoodie or those gloves on, not even on a warm summer’s day like today.

Jess stayed in the kitchen to help with the last of the clean up, it was just her and two other volunteers. Sam was here every day from early morning till late at night, Tina was one of the regular volunteers who came to help after her day job was done, just like Jess.

Some people would say what she did was admirable but to her it was just a small act of kindness, and in a way a selfish act even. She would rather spend half of her evenings here helping and laughing with other people than spend it in her small cold apartment, alone.

It was a beautiful August night by the time Jess left the shelter, a bright moon lit the dark sky and it was so clear out she could almost see all the stars shining above her.

‘See you tomorrow, Jess,’ Sam waved her goodbye with a smile,’ be careful out there.’

‘I always am, good night, Sam,’ she watched him help two homeless youngsters inside so they could spend the night in a warm bed with a roof over their heads and breakfast in the morning.

She couldn’t help but smile. She wasn’t blind to the struggles of the world, especially not lately, some days it looked like the whole planet had gone to shit. But there was still kindness and good people out there and that was worth holding on for, it had to be.

She had been walking for a good ten minutes when she noticed the foot steps behind her, someone had been following her. She didn’t often feel nervous in the city but it was unusually quiet tonight. She had only passed one other person on the walk from the shelter to the suburbs and she couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach. 

She was starting to regret not having taken a cab now, but it looked like such a lovely night to walk outside. 

She turned a corner into one of the smaller streets to try and shake her follower, which in hindsight probably wasn’t the best plan. For a moment she thought the footsteps had stopped and her plan had worked but then someone pushed her up against the wall roughly and tried to pull her purse from her arm. 

 ‘Come on, just hand it over,’ the mugger pulled at the leash of her handbag while trying to hold her still but she was not giving up without a fight.

‘Leave me alone, I don’t have any money, I swear,’ she struggled and tried to push him away but as soon as she noticed the gun in his hand she stopped her protest.

‘Fucking bitch,’ he took her purse but instead of running away with it he just threw it next to him on the ground and used both his hands to push her against the wall.

‘Just take it and go,’ she could hear the panic in her own voice and cursed herself for putting up a fight in the first place.

Sam had warned her about this so many times, do not fight back when someone robs you, that’s how you get yourself killed. His words sounded so clear in her head right now but it was too late.

‘If you don’t have any money maybe I should help myself to something else then,’ his voice made her shiver and she suddenly felt the gun against her knee as he pushed it up higher between her legs.

He was much taller than her and the grip he had on her arm was so tight she couldn’t possibly win a fight against this guy. There was only one thing she could do.

‘Heeeelp!’ she screamed in fear,’ help me, please, he…’

The slap in her face hit her hard and unexpected and she fell back against the wall while she grabbed her head in pain. Before she knew what was happening her attacker was pulled away and thrown against the wall on the other side of the street. All she could hear was grunting and punching, it was too dark for her to see what was happening but her attacker seemed to be getting the worst of it.

It was only when he stepped into the light of the street lamp that she noticed the other guy and recognized his hoodie and baseball cap. She didn’t find the usual sadness on his face this time, his expression determined and angry and all his anger seemed to focus on the man in front of him.   
And that tough guy looked like he was pissing his pants right now.

‘Please, I’ll go,’ he was begging and Jess noticed the blood on his face,’ I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt her, I’m sorry.’

All she heard from her mystery man was a low growl and it was enough to make her robber make a run for it, dropping his gun on the ground.

It was quiet in the alley now, except for her own breathing and that of her unlikely hero. He grabbed her purse and walked up to her, he reached out to give it back to her and noticed her face. One of her eyes was red and there was blood dripping across her cheek down to her neck.

‘You’re hurt, he hurt you.’

She shivered upon hearing his voice, so deep and filled with compassion, in a strange way she had always known he would sound exactly like that.

 She put her hand up to touch her cheek and felt the warm blood on her fingertips.

‘I’m okay,’ she whispered, but seeing her own blood on her hands suddenly made her knees go weak,’ I think…I…’

She felt herself lean forward involuntary, luckily he was quick to step closer and he put his hands on her waist and let her fall forward against his chest. She looked up to meet his eyes, his gorgeous blue eyes. 

Had he always been this beautiful?

Her hands were clinging to his hoodie and his arms were firmly around her waist now, holding her close.

‘Are you okay?’ he asked softly.

‘I don’t know, I think so.’

‘I should have been faster,’ he sighed and she was taken aback by the disappointment in his eyes. He was blaming himself.

‘You saved me, I can not thank you enough.’

‘I should have been faster,’ he shook his head,’ you wouldn’t be hurt right now if I had been faster.’

‘You saved my life,’ she repeated and she looked him deep in the eyes,’ if you hadn’t come by I…’

She quickly pushed that thought out of her mind.

‘What is your name?’ she then asked.

He stayed quiet for a moment, there it was again, that familiar restraint in him, the way he always pulled back when someone came too close.

‘I’m Jess,’ she smiled, encouraging him to open up to her.

‘I know,’ he answered and much to her surprise there was a little hint of a smile on his face while he spoke,’ my name is Bucky.’

‘Bucky,’ she repeated,’ thank you for saving me tonight, Bucky.’

‘You’re still bleeding,’ he stated.

‘I’ll survive,’ she shrugged her shoulders.

She noticed they were still holding each other and neither of them made any attempts to let go. 

‘I’ll be okay now,’ she was the first to take a step back. 

‘Let me walk you home. Please.’

Jess was surprised by his offer but even more so she was grateful and she nodded her head. The thought of having to walk the dark streets alone after what just happened scared her, even though this was her corner of the city and her apartment was only a few streets away. She didn’t want him to leave her side just yet.

The walk home was quiet, Bucky stayed close to her and every time she looked at him he just gave her that little shy smile and asked her if she was okay.

‘Well, this is me,’ Jess took her key out of her purse and walked up to the door,’ thank you, for everything.’

‘It’s nothing,’ he took a step back while she opened the door and stepped inside the building.

Jess took her time to look at him, his long dark hair was messy under that cap but his face was a thing of beauty, his shoulders and chest looked firm and trained. She had felt it earlier when he was holding her, he was a strong man.   
But his demeanor told a whole different story, the look on his face was one of sadness, he looked tired and he always had his head down, as if he was carrying the weight of the world on those strong beautiful shoulders.  

She couldn’t help but wonder where he would go tonight, if he had a place, something or someone waiting for him. She knew the answer to that question.

‘Would you like to come in?’ she asked him.

***

He followed her upstairs without saying a word and while she opened the door to her apartment she could hear the voices in her head screaming ‘this is a stranger, you don’t know anything about this man and you’re letting him into your home, have you lost your mind?’

But she quickly silenced them, she was following her instinct and it hardly ever let her down.

‘Come in,’ she smiled,’ I’m sorry, it’s not much.’

The apartment was small, the kitchen, living room and bedroom were all in one space, even an apartment like this was expensive in this city.

‘It’s beautiful,’ Bucky smiled and for a moment she wanted to kick herself for her comment. However small and simple, this place was probably a lot more than what he had.

She put down her purse and when she passed by the mirror she noticed her own face and stopped in shock. There was dried up blood on her forehead and cheek and her eye was bloodshot.

‘Shit,’ her voice broke while she spoke the word, seeing the physical effect of the attack suddenly made it very real and she fought against her tears while she stared at herself in the mirror. When she felt Bucky’s hand softly stroking her lower back she managed to calm herself down.

‘Let me take care of that,’ he spoke softly and guided her into the kitchen. 

She watched him grab a towel and a cloth while he let the water run. She leaned against the counter next to him, he was careful but concentrated in his actions, gently wiping the soft cloth against her skin to wipe away the blood. 

‘That’s better,’ his voice was quiet and soothing and she relaxed under his touch while he cleaned her forehead and then brought his hand up to her cheek to get rid of the remaining blood there,’ it looks like you’ll live.’

He gave her a little sympathetic smile but it disappeared instantly when their eyes met. He was standing so close to her she could feel the warmth of his body and his breath on her skin and she didn’t want him to move.

‘Thank you,’ she whispered and she carefully grabbed his hoody and buried her face against his neck. His arms wrapped around her without giving it any second thought and he hugged her tight.

They stood like that for several minutes, she was unable to explain why she was so drawn to him. She wasn’t one to fall for someone quickly, in fact for the past years she hadn’t fallen for anyone and men had been the last thing on her list, but every time this man held her it felt like she was exactly where she needed to be.

She let her hands move up to his shoulders but suddenly he flinched and pulled back from her.

‘What’s wrong?’ she asked.

‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t….’

‘It’s okay, it’s just a hug.’

‘I don’t…I can’t let people come this close,' he was shaking his head.

‘Why not?’ she asked confused.

He swallowed his words and let out a deep sigh while she watched him. She was afraid to touch him again and disappointed by the sudden change in him.

‘If you want to go just go,’ she sighed defeated.

‘I don’t want to go.’

He felt her watch him and he noticed her eyes lingered on his hands.

‘Take off your gloves,’ she then asked softly.

He stayed quiet and pulled off his right hand glove but then he hesitated before taking off the other one.

‘Please,’ she asked again.

‘I’m not…I don’t want to scare you. My arm is not…’

‘I’ve seen many things in my life, you’re not going to scare me,’ she stared into his eyes to try and convince him,’ please, Bucky.’

He did as she asked and carefully removed the glove when he heard her gasp at the sight of what was underneath. 

Her eyes were glued to his hand, his silver metal hand. He waited for her reaction, for her to freak out or send him away but she stayed quiet.

‘Please take off your hoody,’ she then asked.

He shook his head and she looked at him. 

There it was, the sad tormented look she knew so well, this was his story and it was a lot more than she could have ever guessed.

Jess carefully grabbed the edge of his hoody and lifted it up over his chest and then over his head. His protest was gone and he let her take it off completely.

‘Oh my god…Bucky,’ she whispered in horror, her eyes stuck on his metal arm.

He was sure this would be enough to convince her to finally run but she stood completely still and gently put her hand on his shoulder, letting her fingers brush over the wounds where his flesh melted with the metal.

‘What on earth happened to you?’ she whispered.

‘I can not tell you,’ he shook his head and she heard the emotion in his voice,’ don’t make me tell you.’

He grabbed her hand and pushed it away from his shoulder before taking both he looked into her eyes.

‘It’s better for you if you don’t know,’ he then spoke firmly,’ trust me.’

Jess nodded her head,’ okay, I don’t need to know.’

The look of relief on his face calmed her down. He took her hand and rubbed it gently with his thumb, calming her down even more.

‘I don’t need to know,’ she repeated and she watched him close his eyes and let out another sigh of relief.

‘I don’t care about the arm,’ she cupped his cheek with her hand, making him open up his eyes,’ please stay the night with me.’

‘I can’t,’ he sighed.

‘Please, Bucky, I don’t want to be alone tonight.’

She stared at his face, trying to convince him with her eyes but all she found there was more doubt. She didn’t want to push him further so she let go of him and stepped back but he grabbed her hand.

‘Okay,’ he whispered and before she knew what was happening he was guiding her into the living room and towards her bed.  

He didn’t let go of her hand when she sat down and crawled over to her side to lie down, turning her back towards him. She smiled when he took the hint and lied down behind her, his metal arm draped across her stomach.

She could feel his hesitation and took hold of his arm with both hands.

‘Hold me closer,’ she whispered.

He did so without any more hesitation, he pulled her up against his chest and buried his face into the back of her neck, his warm breath put goosebumps all over her skin.

‘Good night, Bucky,’ she smiled,’ thank you for tonight.’

‘Good night, Jess,’ he whispered.

She felt how he grabbed the blanket and pulled it over the both of them, pulling her even closer in the process and putting a soft kiss on her hair.

‘I feel safe with you,’ she spoke quietly while she closed her eyes and felt the weight of the day overtake her.

Bucky stayed quiet, he softly nuzzled her neck and listened how her breathing slowed down and she drifted off into sleep. He knew for him sleep wouldn’t come that quickly, it never did.

‘I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe,’ he then whispered,’ I promise.’


	2. Chapter 2

Jess woke up to the smell of coffee and someone shuffling around in her kitchen. The first hint of panic quickly sank when she remembered the previous night.

Bucky…

She found him in her kitchen pouring two cups of coffee and putting toast on a plate while eggs were cooking on the stove. His gloves were still on the kitchen counter where she left them last night. Her eyes rested a little longer on his metal hand and how he gently poured the coffee with it. 

He almost looked relaxed, like this was a regular morning routine and they were not just two strangers who spent the night together.

‘You’re making me breakfast?’ she smiled in surprise.

‘I didn’t want to wake you, good morning,’ he greeted her with a soft warm smile, the biggest one she had seen on him so far.

‘You woke me a couple of times last night,’ she grabbed a cup and took a sip from the coffee while she looked at him,’ you’re quite the restless sleeper, I think I’ve heard you talk more in your sleep last night than in the entire time we’ve known each other.’

‘I’m sorry,’ he spoke softly with an apologetic little smile on his face.

‘It’s alright. I didn’t know you had Russian roots?’

Bucky froze at her words and as their eyes met the smile faded from his face,’ I spoke in Russian?’

‘It’s been a while since I’ve heard the language but I still recognize it very well, yes.’

The look in his eyes was one of sheer panic and he stepped back from the stove.

’Bucky, is everything alright?’

‘No, I have to go, I’m sorry.’

He was rushing out of the kitchen and away from her. Right before her eyes she watched his casual relaxed attitude disappear and make room for the jumpy nervous man she met in the shelter.

‘Bucky, wait!’

‘I’m sorry.’

Before she could say another word the door of her apartment fell shut and he was gone.

‘What just happened?’ she fell back in her seat at the kitchen counter, the only sound left in the apartment was the one of the eggs burning on her stove.

***

Jess waited for him at the shelter that night, the entire day she had been unable to shake the feeling that she wouldn’t see him again.   
She didn’t know why that thought upset her so much.  I’s not like she knew him and it’s not like something actually happened between them the night before. They just shared a bed, they barely spoke three words to each other.

But she hadn’t shared a bed with anyone in years. She couldn’t write this off as no big deal, it was a big deal to her. She trusted him, for some reason, and despite the short time they spent together she already felt connected to him.

She tried to shrug it off and focused her attention on cleaning some of the tables, her eyes instinctively went to check the doors every few minutes but there was nobody there. The last of the regular people were leaving the shelter and she knew Sam would close up soon.

This was it, she had chased him away. 

She couldn’t remember much of the words he spoke last night but she remembered very clearly how Bucky moved in her bed. His hands clutched at her sheets and every muscle in his neck and face tensed. Trying to wake him up had seemed impossible, the only time she managed to calm him down was when she put her arms around him and whispered soothing words into his ear.

Jess waited a little longer after Sam had closed up but she eventually admitted defeat and started her walk home, alone. Sam told her there was an Asian festival close by tonight so she decided to take a detour and walk the busy streets rather than the calm ones she normally used.    
After last night she wanted to be surrounded by people and she also didn’t feel like returning to her empty apartment already. Any distraction would do.

His voice came out of nowhere and startled her.

‘I’m sorry I disappeared on you this morning.’

She stopped to find him standing on the pavement right next to her, an apologetic look on his face and wearing his same hoodie and cap, and gloves.

‘Bucky,’ she smiled in relief’, are you alright?’

‘I’m fine, you shouldn’t be walking home alone.’

She smiled at his concern,’ I’ll be fine, I’m glad to see you.’

‘Can I walk you home?’   
‘I would really love that, yes.’

They started walking together and just as the night before Bucky stayed close to her at all times without touching her.

‘So why did you disappear on me this morning?’ she broke the silence after they’ve been walking for a while,’ did you remember something from your dream?’   
‘I don’t remember any of it,’ his answer came too quickly and they both realized it.

‘Why did you freak out as soon as I said Russian?’

‘Just…bad memories, I don’t want to talk about it.’

‘Okay, fair enough, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to push.’

They walked in silence again.

‘So you speak Russian?’ he asked after a little while.  
 ‘I wouldn’t say I speak it, I know some words,’ she explained,’ I was born in Russia, but I came to New York with my mother when I was 8, I haven’t spoken it in years.’

Bucky nodded his head,’ Your mother doesn’t speak it anymore?’

‘My mother is dead,’ she spoke silently.

‘I’m so sorry, Jess.’

‘It’s okay, it happened some time ago, long after she brought me and my brother to America.’

‘I’m sorry,’ he repeated,’ I didn’t mean to…’   
‘It’s fine, Bucky,’ she interrupted him.

‘Do you still see him, your brother?’ he asked carefully.

‘It’s just me now,’ she shook her head.

Bucky looked into her eyes and knew not to ask anything more.

‘I’m thankful my mother brought me here,’ she continued,’ I have a good life, Bucky. If my mum hadn’t brought us to America I have no idea where I may have ended up. Things back home just weren’t…well, let’s just say it wasn’t a place you’d want your kids to grow up.’ 

‘Is that why you volunteer? To help people less fortunate because you know what it’s like?’

‘Partly, I guess.’

‘What else?’

She shook her head and laughed.

‘What?’

‘I think that’s enough talk about me for now, don’t you think?’

‘I like to hear about you.’

He was looking at her with that careful little smile again but she kept shaking her head and grabbed his hand to pull him with her,’ Not tonight, come on.’

‘Where are we going?’

‘To a party,’ she answered with a twinkle in her eyes.

***

The streets got busier with every corner they turned, the music was loud and the lights bright and colorful. The smell of the food was overwhelming, Bucky took it all in with a smile at first though Jess noticed he kept his head down all the time again, trying to hide behind that cap. He hadn’t let go of her hand since she pulled him with her and as the crowd got bigger he kept walking closer to her, as if he wanted to make himself smaller or disappear into the crowd completely.  

Jess sensed his nerves and put her arm around his waist to keep him close, meeting his eyes as he looked down at her.

‘It’s alright,’ she tried to reassure him,’ it’s just a party, nothing bad is going to happen.’

Bucky jumped when a Chinese dragon shot right by them forcing them to step out of the way. The sudden sound startled him and the intense colors and loud cheers of the crowd were putting his nerves on edge.

‘It’s just a costume,’ Jess laughed,’ my god, you are so jumpy.’

She felt his arm tighten around her shoulder and she responded with a smile,’ just relax.’

‘I don’t like…crowds,’ Bucky spoke into her ear.

  ‘Just focus on me then,’ she pulled him deeper into the crowd with her.

Everything seemed to be going better at first. Bucky finally appeared to be calming down, his little smile had even returned and he had loosened his grip on her. He even seemed to be in awe of all the happy people surrounding them, letting their carefree, happy mood influence his own.

He was starting to believe Jess was right, nothing bad would happen here, not tonight, nobody would come for him. 

But then the first explosion happened.

Jess couldn’t remember it all into detail only that she felt Bucky slip from her arms and down onto the ground, covering his ears and screaming. His terrifying screams caused a panic among the crowd and people started running and pushing each other out of the way while trying to flee. Jess got caught in the crowd and within seconds she had lost sight of Bucky.

‘Bucky!’ she yelled in panic, trying to push people back and find the spot where she left him but the crowd was getting too big,’ Bucky, where are you?’

She could hear his screams but with everyone trying to get away from him it became nearly impossible to go against the crowd.

‘Please let me get through,’ Jess pushed people aside and forced her way back to Bucky.

She finally found him after several minutes, he was still sitting on the ground, his face was buried into his hands. The screams had turned into quiet whimpers and his hands were shaking uncontrollably. 

‘Bucky,’ her voice broke when she saw him and she kneeled in front of him.  His entire body seemed to be shaking and he was whispering, in Russian again.

Jess carefully took his hands and forced him to look at her.

‘Bucky, it’s me,’ she spoke in a soothing tone,’ it’s Jess, please look at me.’

His eyes found hers but it took him a few seconds to recognize her.   
‘It’s me,’ she whispered again.

‘Jess,’ his voice was quiet and only now did she see the tears in his eyes,’ you’re alive.’

Before she could say anything he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her next to him on the ground, holding her so tight she had to fight to breathe for a second.

‘Of course I’m alive, I’m fine, Bucky, everyone is fine.’

She let him hold her until he calmed down and stopped shaking.  
 ‘It’s just fireworks,’ she then said with a smile while she caressed his hair,’ see?’

He looked over her shoulder and saw the colors and glitter burst out into the night sky all around them. There was nothing threatening about it, it was breathtakingly beautiful and he couldn’t stop staring. 

Jess smiled while she leaned into him and hugged him tighter. They both looked at the spectacle above their heads and stayed like that until the last of the fireworks was over.

‘I’m sorry,’ Bucky then whispered.

‘It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have brought you here,’ she shook her head and looked up into his face,’ will you still walk me home?’

‘If you’ll let me,’ he whispered.

Again he didn’t speak another word during their walk to her apartment, Jess was relieved to see him so calm. She didn’t want to disturb it by talking so they both stayed quiet.

She was about to invite him in when they neared her door but Bucky spoke first,’ I don’t think I should come in with you tonight, I just wanted to make sure you got here safely.’  
 She nodded her head and gave him a little smile,’ I have a big comfortable bed and a warm shower, you don’t have to be alone tonight.’  
He smiled shyly.

‘Breakfast is included,’ she added, making his smile a little bigger. 

‘However lovely that sounds I can’t. I’m sorry.’

‘I understand, Bucky, don’t sweat it,’ she grabbed her key and opened the door,’ do you have somewhere to go?’

‘I have…a place,’ he answered.

‘Good. That’s good.’

They locked eyes and much to her surprise he leaned closer to put a soft kiss on her cheek and rest his hand on her waist for just a couple of seconds before he walked away.

She had wanted to wrap her arms around his neck and invite him in again but after tonight she realized he was more troubled than she could imagine. Pushing him into a situation that made him uncomfortable was the last thing she should do.    
So she watched him walk away and entered her apartment alone.

After a warm shower she grabbed a bowl of ice cream from her freezer and installed herself at the kitchen counter. She opened her laptop and started typing.

Post-traumatic stress disorder.

She knew what was happening to Bucky, she had seen it more than once with some of her patients in the clinic. It explained perfectly why he had been so distant and jumpy from the start, why he was lost and had trouble maintaining a normal life, a house, a job, a family.

Was he a veteran? Is that how he lost his arm?  

The explosions from the fire works triggered him, he had assumed they were under some sort of attack, he was genuinely shocked to find her alive.   
His first instinct had been to hide, just as his first instinct that morning had been to run.

Jess started reading the first articles she could find online but her thoughts wandered off to him and she imagined him walking the streets of the city alone tonight. 

Where would he spend the night? What was he running from?

‘Who are you, Bucky?’ she sighed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jess is still trying to break down Bucky’s walls, which proves to be a hard task. Meanwhile Bucky’s past is trying to catch up with him.
> 
> This is the one: NSFW 18+ for some explicit smut. Plenty of feels and some fluff too.

It became a daily routine, Bucky waited outside of the shelter for Jess after her shift so he could walk her home. They never talked much, and apart from that first night Bucky refused to stay the night again or even set foot into her apartment. 

She still didn’t know anything about him. Every time they got a conversation going and it started getting personal Bucky made sure to bring the subject back on her and let her do most of the talking. 

She knew what he was doing but she gave him his way, hoping he would share more of himself whenever he was ready.

Regardless of his quiet nature Jess really enjoyed their nightly walks, and his company. It was her favorite part of the day and she started looking forward to it a little more every day.

She turned the key into the door that night but before she opened it she turned around to look at Bucky, who was staring at her with a little sweet smile on his lips. 

He may not have told her anything more about himself but Jess had noticed a change in his behavior this last week.  He seemed more relaxed with her, he wasn’t looking over his shoulder all the time anymore and tonight he even left his cap home.

‘So…I’ll see you tomorrow then?’ Bucky said. 

‘Unless you want to come in?’ 

He shook his head and looked down to avoid her eyes but he still couldn’t stop smiling.

‘Last chance,’ Jess opened her door,’ one day I’m not going to ask anymore, you know.’  

They had the same conversation every night, she would ask and he would say no and they would just part ways but this time he hesitated. When she turned back around to say goodbye Bucky stepped closer, surprising her by grabbing her hand.

‘Do you know what it costs me to say no every night?’ he then asked, his voice soft and his eyes serious.

‘Then say yes,’ she whispered and she leaned her forehead against his,’ say yes.’

His lips were on hers before she knew what was happening, answering her question with a soft kiss that made her knees weak. His one hand was in her neck while his other arm snaked around her waist to pull her even closer and deepen the kiss.   
She was intoxicated by his mouth and his hands on her and she wanted to pull him inside with her but she could already feel him pulling back again.

‘Bucky,’ she clung to his jacket and looked into his eyes. He was trying to catch his breath.

‘No, no it’s not safe,’ he protested. 

‘What? You are safe with me, you know that,’ she said confused.

‘Not safe for you,’ he shook his head,’ you are not safe with me.’

‘What are you talking about?’

He grabbed her wrists and pushed her hands away while he stepped back,’ I’m sorry, I should go.’

‘Bucky! Don’t!’

She wanted to be angry at him for running again, for ruining such a perfect moment. But then she felt the warmth of his mouth still lingering on her lips and she couldn’t help but smile. 

The moment was still perfect, his words didn’t stick with her, all she could think about was his hands and his lips and how she wanted to feel them again.

*****

It was a busy night in the shelter the next evening, Jess was cleaning tables when Sam approached her.

‘Everything alright?’ she asked.

‘There are some men here looking for your friend,’ he spoke quietly.  
 ‘My friend?’

‘The gorgeous man in the baseball cap that you leave with every night,’ he gave her a little smile,’ yes, we’ve noticed.’

Jess suppressed a smile and looked to where he was pointing. There were three large men standing by the counter asking questions to some of the homeless people.

‘Who are they?’ Jess asked,’ police?’

‘Special agents, they won’t say but between you and me I’m pretty sure they’re from Shield.’

‘Shield?’ Jess had heard of the Shield department before and knew the kind of cases they handled, the weird stuff.

What the hell would they want with Bucky?

Before she had time to ask Sam more questions one of the men walked up to them.   
‘I’m sorry to disturb you, miss, have you seen this man around?’

Her heart stopped when Bucky’s face stared right back at her on the picture he showed her, his expression distant and somewhat angry.

‘I…I don’t know,’ Jess stuttered,’ we see a lot of people, many come and go. It’s possible, I guess.’

‘If he comes back here could you please contact us?’ the man handed her one of his cards, there was nothing on it except a cellphone number,’ do not approach him in any way, it is for your own safety.’

‘Is he dangerous?’

‘Very much so, miss.’

‘What has he done?’ Jess realized she shouldn’t ask so many questions but her curiosity was stronger than herself.

‘That’s classified, all you need to know is to stay away from him and contact us as soon as possible. It’s a matter of national safety.’

She nodded her head and watched the man return to the others.

‘It’s almost 9 o’ clock,’ Sam remarked.

‘It is,’ she looked at him and suddenly realized what he meant,’ shit, it is…’

Sam gave a little nod towards the door and she knew what he meant. If Bucky walked in right now, which he usually did, he would be arrested, or worse.

Jess rushed towards the door, trying not to draw too much attention to herself, she pushed through the door into the hallway when she nearly bumped into Bucky.

‘Jess?’ he gave her a surprised smile.

‘Bucky,’ she sighed and her eyes went right to the door she came through. Those men could walk through any moment and find him.

‘What’s wrong?’

She hesitated for only a few seconds, letting the words sink in. Matter of national safety, very dangerous. 

But when she looked into Bucky’s eyes she forgot those warnings.    
They meant nothing, this was Bucky, the guy that saved her, the guy that slept in her bed, the guy she had felt safe with since she met him.

She grabbed him by the arm and dragged him with her into the ladies room.

‘Shhh’, she pushed him against the wall and put her hand on his lips,’ be quiet.’

The look on his face was filled with confused but he did as she told him. Jess took her hand from his mouth and let out a relieved sigh.

‘What’s going on?’ Bucky whispered.

‘There are men out there looking for you.’

The confusion on his face now changed to panic.

‘They’re from Shield, I think,’ she explained.

‘You came to warn me,’ he then said. 

‘Yes.’ 

‘Why?’

 ‘Because…I…don’t know, I don’t want them to take you.’

‘Maybe I deserve to be taken.’

She let go of him and took a step back,’ Bucky, look I don’t know why they want to take you, if that’s even what they want. I don’t know anything about why freaking Shield agents are even here and what you have to do with that because you don’t tell me anything ever!’

Her voice had gotten more angry with every word.

‘I’m sorry,’ he muttered.

She just shook her head and bit her lip,’ I want to trust you so badly, I do trust you but it’s based on nothing except my own stupid feelings for you. I have no idea who you are!’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘If you apologize to me one more time I will smack your head!’

‘I’m…,’ he bit his tongue and shook his head.

They looked at each other in silence for a little while.

‘Tell me one thing that’s true,’ Jess asked,’ one thing about yourself, please.’

‘James,’ he whispered while he stepped closer and looked deeper into her eyes,’ my real name is James Barnes.’

‘James,’ she repeated quietly, putting a smile on his face,’ I guess that is one thing.’

He stayed quiet while he stared into her eyes.

‘You should stay in here until they are gone, you can’t walk me home tonight,’ Jess said before she stepped back from him and opened the door to leave.

***

Jess spent the entire walk home worried about Bucky and whether he made it out of those bathrooms without being seen. She knew she wouldn’t sleep much tonight thinking about him, but as she turned the corner to her building she found him sitting on her doorstep.

He stood up as soon as he saw her, a little apologetic smile on his lips,’ You said I couldn’t walk you home, you didn’t say I couldn’t meet you here.’

Jess just smiled at him and opened her door,’ I’m glad you’re safe, Bucky, but you didn’t have to come all the way down here for that.’

‘Ask me,’ he spoke seriously, making her turn her head to look at him. The look on his face was as serious as his tone and he repeated,’ ask me, please.’

She hesitated but eventually spoke the words with a little smile,’ Would you like to come in?’

‘I would love to, Jess.’

She tried to ignore the butterflies in her stomach when he stepped closer and followed her up the stairs and inside her apartment.

‘I want to thank you for warning me earlier,’ he said,’ you didn’t need to do that, you have no reason to trust me.’

‘I don’t, do I?’

She sighed and looked at him,’ but I do trust you, James, with all my heart. I can’t explain it but I know I feel completely safe with you.’

She could see the emotion in his eyes and without giving it any second thought he took her hand and pulled her close to him, his arms around her waist and his hug tight and intense. She hugged him back with the same intensity, letting her hands run through his hair and over his shoulders. 

He was strong, she already guessed that after the fight in the alley but feeling his hard muscle underneath her fingers now she remembered just how strong.

He released his grip to look at her, the soft almost innocent look in his eyes such a contrast to his strength. She ran her fingers along his jaw and her thumb across his lips, Bucky closed his eyes and leaned into her touch.

‘What am I going to do with you, James Barnes?’ she sighed.

He stayed quiet but pulled her closer against his chest,’ what do you want to do?’

‘What I should do is sit you down and have you confess to me who you are and why those men are out there looking for you.’

‘Is that what you want?’ he asked softly.

She shook her head,’ No, that’s not what I want…’

He didn’t wait for her to finish her last word before he kissed her, soft yet hungry. His hands searching for a way underneath her top. She shivered at the first contact of his fingers on her naked back, realizing how much she had craved his touch.

‘Bucky,’ she moaned softly when he started kissing her neck and pulled her top over her head.

‘Tell me to stop and I’ll stop,’ he whispered, but his fingers and lips danced on her skin in such a delightful way stopping was the last thing on her mind.

She pulled at his hoodie and helped him take it off, the gasp of surprise came involuntary but she couldn’t help it as she stared at his naked firm chest. Bucky reciprocated with a smile until he watched her eyes shift to his metal arm, taking him out of this heavenly moment and back to reality.

Jess noticed it but there was no way she was going to let him change his mind tonight.

She cupped his face to force him to look at her,’ Hey, don’t think about that, just focus on me, just feel me.’

She leaned in and kissed his jawline down to his neck while her hands started unbuttoning his jeans. His breathing picked up and when she felt his hands on her back again she knew the moment of hesitation had passed. He kissed her again and with one quick move he lifted her up in his arms and carried her towards the bed where he gently put her down again.

He stood before her while she sat on the edge of the bed, his eyes searching hers, suddenly a little insecure again of what to do now.

‘Take off your pants,’ she guided him and he quickly obeyed her orders, letting his jeans and boxers fall to the ground.

‘Now take off mine,’ she whispered, unable to keep from staring down and seeing the evidence of his growing need right in front of her eyes.

Bucky bent down and gently pulled her jeans from her legs, she expected him to do the same with her panties but instead he pushed her legs open and started kissing her right above her knee, making his way higher between her thighs.

Jess let out a deep sigh and grabbed his hair. He didn’t need anymore guiding at all, he knew exactly what to do. Her grip on his hair tightened when she felt his tongue through the thin fabric of her panties.

‘Bucky,’ she moaned,’ oh god…oh god you are good at that.’ 

She looked down on him, the sight of him completely naked in between her legs was too much for her senses. And then he looked up to meet her eyes and started pulling down her panties, making her melt completely.

She pulled him on top of her on the bed, her arms around his neck and her mouth on his while her legs hooked around his waist. He didn’t need much more encouraging, within seconds he was inside of her and she was left breathless underneath him.

Bucky’s thrusts started out slowly, taking his time to delve deeper into her with every move. His hands were on her breast and his lips never left her skin, only to catch his breath every now and then in between his heavy moans. She was helpless, her orgasm already close and yet he still built it up even more with every touch.

But even more so than his fingers or his cock or his mouth, it was his eyes that took her to another place. They didn’t leave hers for a second, even when he started bucking faster and less controlled.   
His eyes never once lost focus, his gaze so intense and dark, combined with those last heavy thrusts it was enough to break her and she fell apart in his arms. He quickly followed and lost control, pulling out of her to spill his warmth all over her inner thigh and the sheets.

‘Fuck, I’m sorry,’ he breathed but Jess just held him in her arms, ignoring the mess on the bed beneath them.

‘Don’t be,’ she whispered into his ear and smiled when he kissed her forehead and hugged her tighter.  

Bucky didn’t want to lose the magic of this moment any more than she did, he wanted desperately to stay in her warmth, feel her breath on his skin a little longer and her body entangled with his.  

In this bed, on this night, nothing was wrong. He had just lost himself, completely, and nothing bad had happened. 

She had silenced his mind, for months he believed that the second he would let down his guard and let go of that control he would slip up, fall back into…something, someone, else.  

But it hadn’t happened.

She was smiling at him, eyes filled with admiration and the remains of her lust, her body completely relaxed against his. She didn’t fear him nor question him, all she wanted was to love him.

It was more than he ever dreamed of, more than he thought he deserved, but she gave it to him anyway.

‘What are you thinking about, James?’ she asked softly when she noticed he was lost in thought again.

He smiled and shook his head,’ nothing, just…this moment, I haven’t had a perfect moment in a really long time. And…’

He sighed deeply.

‘What else?’

‘I really, really, need a shower.’

She laughed and hit him on the chest before she helped him up and they made their way to the bathroom.

***

The sun peaked through the curtains the next morning, Jess was the first to wake up.   

Contrary to last time Bucky spent the night sleeping like a baby, there was no tugging the sheets, no Russian mumbling or pushing her over in his sleep. 

He was still lying beside her completely still, seemingly lost in a deep and peaceful sleep. Jess planted a soft kiss on his forehead and carefully let her fingers run across his metal arm before she left the bed.

She quickly put on her shorts and a t-shirt and went to the kitchen to put on some coffee. It was merely seconds later when she heard a soft knock on the door. 

She didn’t get a lot of visitors here, it was usually just one of the neighbors asking for help or complaining about the noise.

Shit, how loud had she and Bucky been last night?

With a little blush creeping up on her cheeks she opened the door to expect one of her older neighbors, instead she was greeted by a man wearing a hoodie and a blue cap.

‘May I help you?’ she asked surprised.

‘I’m sorry to disturb you so early in the morning, ma’am,’ he gave her a friendly nod,’ my name is Steve and I believe you have something that belongs to me.’


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After spending the night with Bucky Jess finds Steve on her doorstep. And she finally learns a bit more about the Winter Soldier.
> 
> There is a little bit of smut in this chapter but it’s not very explicit, it’s mostly angst and fluff.

‘Is he here?’

Jess tried to close the door but he already had his foot in the doorway to stop her.

‘Is Bucky here?’ Steve asked again.

‘I’m not letting you in,’ she tried to hold the door but he was much stronger than her and only holding back because he didn’t want to hurt her.

‘Someone tipped me off that I might find him here.’

‘I’m not letting Shield take him,’ Jess insisted.

‘I don’t work for Shield.’

She looked at him in disbelief,‘ I know who you are, captain America, you’re the poster boy for the Avengers, how do you not work for Shield?’

He gave her a little smile and shook his head.

‘I don’t work for Shield anymore, listen, I understand you’re hesitant, but you can trust me. Bucky is my friend.’

Jess looked at him, she didn’t know much about Steve Rogers, only that he was part of the Avengers and many considered him a hero, the ultimate good guy, a man you could trust.   
His honest and kind eyes told her the same thing.

She let out a deep sigh and opened the door to let him step inside,’ Please don’t make me regret this.’

Steve followed her inside through the kitchen but when they came closer to the bed they found it completely empty, sheets pushed down to the side and the window next to it completely open.

‘Shit,’ Steve sighed.

‘Bucky’s a friend, huh? Then why did he run?’ she crossed her arms and looked at him, waiting for an answer.

‘He’s just confused, that’s all,’ Steve sighed.

She stayed quiet.

‘How much do you know?’ he then asked.

‘Nothing, he won’t tell me anything.’

‘He’s doing that to protect you.’

‘Lucky me,’ she sighed.  
Steve leaned against the kitchen counter.

‘Give me one reason why I should trust you,’ Jess asked.

‘Because we both want the same thing, we both want Bucky to be safe and to stop running.’

‘Why is Shield after him?’ she asked.

‘They have their valid reasons for wanting to lock him up.’

‘Valid reasons,’ she sighed and shook her head,’ yet you don’t agree?’

‘I knew him, before. Like I told you, Bucky’s my friend.’

‘He’s my friend too now.’

‘It’s complicated,’ Steve sighed.

‘Explain it to me then.’

There was a little smile forming on Steve’s lips, he couldn’t help but admire her dedication, it wouldn’t take much to be intimidated by him but this girl was standing her ground. And she genuinely seemed to care for Bucky.

‘Look, I can’t, I’m sorry,’ he shook his head,’ all I can tell you is that you’re in over your head.’

She stayed quiet.

‘And if you really care for Bucky and want to help him, you’ll contact me the next time you see him,’ he added.

***

Jess met Bucky by the river that night, he hadn’t showed up at the shelter earlier that evening but when someone called in right after closing time she recognized his voice immediately.   
He didn’t say anything except where he would be if she wanted to find him.

He sat alone on a bench staring into the water, hiding under his hoodie with his hands in his pockets.

She didn’t say anything but just sat down next to him.

‘You came,’ he smiled a little relieved smile.

‘How could I not after you abandoned me this morning?’

‘I’m so sorry about that. It had nothing to do with our night together, that…was magical and unforgettable.’

The dreamy smile on his face warmed her heart but she couldn’t forget why she was here.

‘Bucky,’ she sighed,’ why is Captain America looking for you? Who are you?’

He shook his head and bit his lip,’ It’s better for you if you don’t know.’

‘No, don’t give me that, or any of that it’s complicated crap,’ her voice was strict and impatient,’ you tell me who you are or I’m walking away right now.’

She stood up with every intention of leaving until he grabbed her hand.

‘Wait,’ Bucky insisted,’ don’t go, please.’

She looked down at his face, seeing him struggle with what to do next.

‘I’ll tell you,’ he caved.

She sat back down and waited for him to speak.

‘My name is James Barnes,’ he spoke softly,’ or Bucky, or…the winter soldier.’

He studied her face to see if there was any recognition there.

‘The winter soldier,’ she repeated and he watched her think until she covered her face with her hand in shock.

‘You are…the winter soldier,’ she repeated,’ I’ve heard about you on the news.’

He nodded his head, preparing himself to see her run from him any minute now but she was still sitting next to him, staring at him in shock.

‘I was born long before your time, Jess,’ he continued,’ I should have died a long time ago too.’

‘I’ve heard some things about…experiments,’ she then spoke calm,’ What did they do to you, James?’

‘They fixed me, gave me my arm, and turned me into a machine.’

She swallowed hard and stared at him.

‘I was made to kill for them without ever questioning it, their own little toy super soldier,’ he explained.

‘I knew you were too strong, I should have…the way you saved me from that mugger that night,’ she shook her head and sighed.

‘The soldier is in me, and when he comes to the surface I can’t think, I only obey orders,’ he avoided her eyes,’ You want to know who I am and why you should stay away from me? I’m a cold blooded murderer, Jess…a monster.’

Jess stayed quiet, unable to react to what he just told her. She had seen the news, she heard about the people he killed. But she also knew it wasn’t that black and white.

‘You shouldn’t be involved in this,’ Bucky stood up but this time she grabbed his hand.

‘Wait,’ she begged.

He hesitated but sat back down and when he did she noticed he had tears in his eyes.

‘The guy you are talking about is the Winter Soldier,’ her voice was soft, comforting almost,’ You are Bucky. The soldier…that man is not you, James,.’

‘But he is me, I killed all those people! It doesn’t matter who was controlling me, my hands were still the ones who took their lives. I did it, Jess.’

‘Bucky, no…’

‘And I will do it again,’ he interrupted her,’ they still control me.’

Jess looked at him in horror and felt her own tears build,’ this is why you’re running.’

He nodded his head.

‘I can feel it, I dream about it, he’s still in me and he’s just waiting to come to the surface. One trigger and I…’

‘You snap,’ she added.

‘Yes,’ he turned to her,’ it’s only a matter of time. I can’t be trusted, Jess.’

‘The soldier can’t be trusted. You I trust with all my heart.’

‘Then you’re a fool,’ he shook his head. 

She grabbed his hand and forced him to look into her eyes. The pain and guilt she found in his made her heart break for him. She softly caressed his face with her hand and when Bucky leaned into her touch and closed his eyes she knew she wouldn’t leave him.

‘You’re a fool,’ he repeated in a whisper.

‘Love has a habit of turning people into fools,’ she smiled and leaned her forehead against his.  
She breathed a sigh of relief when he put his arms around her waist and pulled her close to him.

She hugged him for several minutes until she felt his breathing calm down and he broke the hug to look at her.

‘You reached out to me tonight,’ she then said,’ if you really thought I’d be better off without you, why would you have called me?’

He started to blush,’ I guess you’re right, love does make people foolish, and selfish. I shouldn’t have called you, but I so desperately wanted to see you.’

‘I’m glad you did,’ she admitted.

He watched her shiver and he took off his hoodie and put it around her shoulders, carefully lifting her hair as he did so and she smiled at his gentle touch.

This man was not a cold heartless killer, he couldn’t be. She grabbed his hands.

‘I want you to come home with me but I don’t think it’s a good idea after last night,’ she said.

‘No, it’s not, your home needs to stay safe for you, I can’t go there anymore.’

‘What about your home, Bucky? You said you had a place, why don’t we go there?’

‘I have a place, but I don’t have a home,’ there was a hint of sadness in his voice but even more so acceptance. This was a life he was used to, he didn’t seem to know anything else,’ 

‘Why can’t we stay there then? You can’t keep running for the rest of your life.’

‘As long as I keep moving they can’t find me.’

‘But they found you now,’ she said and he nodded his head and looked into her eyes, the serious look made it clear to her what he meant,’ You’re going to run again, aren’t you?’

‘I have no choice.’

‘Bucky,’ she sighed and leaned into him until he hugged her again. 

She cried when she realized she had no words to convince him to stay, yet it was all she wanted and they both felt it.

‘I don’t want to leave you,’ Bucky whispered and hugged her tighter,’ please spend one more night with me before I go, please.’

His lips found hers in a soft deep kiss.

‘Yes,’ she whispered.

***

The apartment was small and almost empty, apart from a kitchen, bathroom, table and mattress on the floor.

‘I’m sorry, this is not much, and technically it’s not even mine,’ Bucky apologized.

‘It doesn’t matter,’ she turned to him and took his hand to lead him to the mattress in the corner.

‘I can’t even offer you a proper bed,’ he shook his head, embarrassed.

‘I don’t care about the bed, just make love to me again, Bucky,’ she pulled him down with her and when his lips met hers the rest of the room faded.

They made love again, and it was even more intense than the night before.

He took his time undressing her, dragging out every little touch, covering her with kisses, taking her in, every small detail. The taste of her skin on his tongue, the smell of her hair, her sweet voice as she moaned against his ear, the softness of every curve as her body shifted underneath him.  
When finally their desires couldn’t be denied any longer she begged him to move into her and when he did they both let out sighs of relief. 

He moved slowly, trying to hold out as long as he could. He kept his eyes on her the entire time, trying desperately to memorize the look on her face while he was buried deep inside of her. He saw everything he needed to know in her eyes, how badly she wanted him, needed him, accepted him. 

How she loved him.

They both knew they wouldn’t see each other again after this night, and despite the sadness in the air it was the most beautiful night Jess had experienced in a very long time. When she finally fell asleep she fell asleep happy and with a little smile on her lips.

Until she woke up…

His knee was holding her down, pushing against her stomach while his metal hand was wrapped around her throat. Jess woke up believing she just stepped into a nightmare, she was struggling to breathe and when she saw Bucky’s face leaning over her she quickly realized she was awake and this was actually happening.

It wasn’t until she heard him speak that she started to panic. He was muttering words in Russian again and the cold determination in his eyes scared her to the core. 

This wasn’t Bucky, it was the soldier, and he had no idea where he was or who she was.

His grip was tightening and she hit him on the arm.

‘B-ucky, stop…stop,’ she begged but her pleas didn’t have any effect on him, he wasn’t releasing her.

She started hitting him faster, panic taking over, she knew if he didn’t snap out of this he could actually kill her,’ Bucky..Bu…’

His mouth was twisted in a concentrated grin and the cold metal of his fingers was taking away her last breath.  

She clung to his shirt until she lost the last bit of strength in her muscles and her hands stopped moving. Shortly after everything turned black.


	5. Chapter 5

Jess woke up gasping for air, heart racing and hands shaking, sweat all over her forehead. For a moment she had no idea where she was, nothing about this small dark room felt familiar but then it all came back. 

‘Bucky.’

He was sitting on the floor next to the mattress with his back against the wall. Jess kneeled down beside him. His entire body was shaking and he was staring out in front of him with a look of sheer horror on his face.

‘Bucky,’ her sigh was heavy and filled with compassion. She reached out to touch his face but he pushed her hand away.

‘Don’t touch me!’ he snapped.

He wrapped his arms around his knees and started shaking even harder. He turned his face away from her, avoiding her eyes so she wouldn’t see his tears.

‘Bucky, it’s okay,’ she whispered. 

‘Okay?! I could have killed you!’ he shook his head in protest.

‘But you didn’t, I’m fine, see?’ she insisted.

He didn’t say another word, nor did he look at her.

Jess stayed beside him and they both sat in silence for a while, Bucky was still shaking and showing no signs of calming down. His forehead was covered in cold sweat and his lip was trembling.   
She wanted to wrap her arms around him and convince him she was fine and he hadn’t hurt her, but she was afraid to touch him again.

She couldn’t think of another way to calm him down and she didn’t want to leave him alone here so she did the only thing left to do. She reached for her phone and searched for the number.

‘Steve? I’m sorry to call you this late, I don’t know what else to do.’

***

Two hours later Jess found herself standing in the kitchen of Captain America’s apartment. Steve had been with her and Bucky within half an hour after her phone call.

She had expected Bucky to be angry at her for calling him but he hadn’t been. He willingly let Steve take over and help him while Jess had kept her distance, relieved to see Bucky was calmer now in Steve’s presence. 

It was clear Bucky thought of him as a dear friend and he trusted him wholeheartedly, it left Jess with mixed feelings. Relieved that Bucky had someone to rely on but also disappointed that he didn’t allow her to be that person.

Steve sat down next to her on a kitchen stool and gave her a sympathetic little smile.

‘How is he?’ Jess asked.

‘He’s pretty shaken up.’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to do, I panicked.’

‘I’m glad you called me, Jess.’

She nodded her head.

‘Are you okay?’ he then asked.

His question and the worried look on his face brought tears back to her eyes and she nodded her head,’ I’m fine, my neck is just a little sore, that’s all.’

‘I didn’t mean that,’ he looked into her eyes,’ I mean…are you okay?’

She bit back her tears and shook her head,’ I screamed and screamed but I couldn’t get through to him, he was gone, Steve, he didn’t recognize me at all and I was so scared he would…’

She swallowed her last words in a sob and Steve stood up to put his arms around her shoulders. Jess let him hug her but she didn’t give into her tears.

‘It’s alright,’ Steve comforted her,’ I know.’

‘He couldn’t even look at me afterwards…but it’s not his fault, Steve, I know that. I’ve seen this before in soldiers coming back from the war, the nightmares…they…they can be very vivid, like you’re actually in them.’

Steve nodded his head,’ You’ve dealt with this before?’

‘I work in a hospital, there aren’t many things I haven’t seen before,’ she explained,’ Ptsd is more common than you’d think, and for someone who’s been through what Bucky’s been through…I can’t even begin to think what it’s like for him.’

Steve let out a deep sigh, he didn’t need to say anything, the pained look on his face told Jess everything she needed to know.   
If anyone could even come close to understanding what Bucky was going through it was him.

‘The thought of him hurting you,’ he then said,’ of not being able to take back that control, to stop it, that’s the part he can’t deal with.’

‘I’m not afraid of him.’

‘Maybe you should be.’

She shook her head firmly,’ No.’

‘The soldier is a part of him, Jess, he always will be. Wherever Bucky goes he goes with him.’

‘So what choice does he have? He keeps running and never lets anyone come close? He can never have a normal life? Settle down? Have a family? A home?’

‘He can’t and he knows this. Why do you think he’s homeless and living in different cities all the time? He knows he can never get attached to anyone, not as long as he can’t control it.’

‘Then we should help him control it.’

‘It’s not that easy, Shield was working on a cure but…that may take years. Meanwhile…’

‘He has to live his life running from something that will follow him wherever he goes,’ she sighed.

‘That’s pretty much it, yeah,’ Steve admitted.

Jess leaned against the kitchen counter and they both stayed quiet for a little while, knowing the weight of the situation and that there was nothing either of them could really do to help Bucky.

‘Can I see him?’ Jess then asked.

***

She found Bucky on the bed in the guest room, sitting up against the head board with his eyes open.   
He looked better than he did earlier that night, calmer. A shower and clean clothes had done wonders but Jess knew that was only on the outside.

‘Can I come in?’ she asked.

‘Yes,’ his voice was strained and hoarse,’ but you can’t stay.’

She sat down on the bed next to him,,’ I just want to talk to you.’

He nodded his head but didn’t look at her, he still hadn’t since the incident and even now he was avoiding her eyes.

‘I’d like you to look at me while I talk, James.’

He let out a deep sigh and turned his face towards her, giving her what she asked for.

As soon as his eyes met hers she could feel her heart melt and she noticed the same shift in his expression. His face softened and his lips curled in a little lopsided smile.

‘There you are,’ Jess sighed and smiled.

‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered,’ I’m so, so sorry. I would never be able to live with myself if I…’

He swallowed the last words while shaking his head.

‘I told you I’m fine,’ she insisted,’ it wasn’t your fault.’

He shook his head,’ People keep saying that.’

‘Because it’s true, James. You’re a victim.’

‘That doesn’t change the outcome.’

Jess leaned back against the head board and carefully lay her head on Bucky’s shoulder. She heard him let out a sigh of relief.

‘I don’t want to lose you,’ she then spoke softly.

Bucky took her hand and laced his fingers with hers. His gentle touch put tears in her eyes but she bit them back and squeezed his hand.

‘I don’t want to lose you either, Jess,’ he whispered,’ but it might be the only way.’

She shook her head in protest.

‘Keeping you safe is the only thing I can think about right now, it takes priority over everything else,’ he brought her hand up to his lips and put a soft kiss on it while he looked into her eyes,’ I need you to sleep in Steve’s room tonight, will you do that for me?’

‘But…’ she opened her mouth to protest but then she noticed the pleading look in his eyes she stayed quiet and nodded her head.

‘Fine, but I’ll see you in the morning,’ she admitted,’ we are not done talking about this.’

Bucky leaned forward to press a soft kiss on her forehead,’ Go.’

***

Steve had been the perfect gentleman and offered Jess his bed while he slept on the couch. It had taken her a few hours but when she finally managed to quiet her mind her body quickly succumbed to a much needed sleep.

It was late afternoon by the time she woke up to warm sunlight on her skin and the sound of music softly playing in the background. It was an old song, from way before her time but she remembered the melody from years ago when her grandmother used to play it.

(Blue Moon- Jo Stafford)

“Blue moon you saw me standing alone  
Without a dream in my heart  
Without a love of my own  
Blue moon  
You knew just what I was there for  
You heard me saying a pray'r for   
Someone I really could care for  
And then there suddenly appeared before me  
The only one my arms will ever hold”

Jess stayed in bed with a smile on her face just to listen for a while longer before she stood up and made her way into the living room, where she found Steve staring out of the window.

He didn’t hear her come in until the song was over and she spoke his name.

‘Oh, hey, you’re up,’ he gave her a weak smile, wherever his thoughts had been just now it had been a different world, probably also a different time.

‘Good morning,’ Jess smiled,’ well, afternoon, it seems.’

‘I didn’t want to wake you, there’s food in the fridge and coffee on the counter, please help yourself to whatever you need.’

‘I’m not hungry, I’d like to see Bucky.’

‘He’s…he’s not here.’

The cold chill that ran up her arms at his words was doubled when she met his eyes.

‘Where is he?’ she asked.

‘I’m sorry,’ she could hear the emotion in Steve’s voice as he tried to explain,’ he said it was the only way, he wants to…he wants to go back into cryo.’

‘What does that mean?’ her voice was breaking even before she heard his answer.

‘He wants to be put back to sleep until there’s a way we can help him.’

‘But you said that may take years.’

Steve nodded while he walked closer to her,’ Yes.’

He waited for his words to sink in, for her to nod her head and burst out into tears. It didn’t take long.

‘No,’ she cried,’ Steve, no, we can’t let him do this! You can’t let him do this!’

‘It’s not our choice to make, Jess.’

‘I don’t care!’ she shook her head and balled her fists in anger but she stayed quiet.

She knew what Steve said was true, ultimately Bucky was the only one who could decide his own fate but her heart didn’t want to listen to that logic.   
Her heart wasn’t ready to let him go, it needed him to stay here, with her, in this time.

‘I can’t let him do this, I can’t, Steve, I can’t…I…’ the protest in her voice was changing quickly until there was nothing left but quiet sobs.

Steve took a step closer and wrapped his arms around her, letting her cry against his chest.

‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered,’ I know this is hard but you know it’s his choice.’

She nodded her head and hugged him back.

‘A very wise woman once said to me…we need to let Bucky have the dignity of his own choice,’ Steve spoke softly trying to comfort her,’ it’s one of the very few things in his life he can still control. It’s not up to us to take that from him.’

‘I know, but…,’ Jess broke the hug to look at him while she shook her head and wiped away her tears.

She leaned into him for support while the same old song started playing again, adding to her desperation and sadness and she noticed Steve also had tears in his eyes.

‘But I love him,’ she whispered,’ I love him.’


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life without Bucky is hard on Jess but she isn’t ready to give up on him yet.

Her eyes were drawn to his hand and the way his fingers kept tapping at the bottom of the glass. 

It was a nervous tic and he’d been doing it ever since their drinks arrived 15 minutes minutes ago. It was getting on her very last nerve and at this point she was so focused on the small movement that his words were lost on her.

And there were a lot of words, this guy literally hadn’t stopped talking for the past half hour and she was wondering if he would ever come up for air.

This wasn’t going to work out, none of them were going to work out.

This was the 12th date in the past two months and Jess had hated every single one of them. 

Sometimes it was something small like an accent that bothered her, or the way he kept pushing his glasses up his nose every 20 seconds.   
And sometimes it was a bigger obvious reason, like the way he couldn’t keep his hands to himself or came on way too strong or how he didn’t stop talking about his job and how much money he made.

It wasn’t that Jess didn’t want to give them a chance, she really wanted one of them to work out. She wanted to fall in love, she felt ready to move on, to forget.

At least that’s what she told herself.

The man in front of her wasn’t bad looking, beautiful brown hair, honest eyes and an open smile. He seemed nice, and he seemed genuinely interested in getting to know her too, despite of all his talking. 

Yet all she could focus on was the way his little nervous tic was driving her crazy.

She would end the date before dessert, make up an excuse about having to get up early for work, and she’d promise to call him, which of course she never would. Let him down gently, after all it wasn’t his fault.

It was nobody’s fault that all her dates failed for the very same reason: none of them were what she wanted. 

None of them were James Bucky Barnes.

It had been six months and she wanted to feel something, anything, other than his absence.

During those first months she had wanted to hide from the world and for a few weeks that was all she did, but then she decided to follow a friend’s advice.   
The best way to get over someone is to get right back in the game and distract yourself, find someone else to focus your attention on instead of giving into your broken heart. 

Except it wasn’t working. 

How could it? Nobody would ever measure up. There was no other Bucky out there. The men she met tried really hard but the more they tried to impress her the quicker she lost interest. It was all just so…shallow, and meaningless. 

And her heart was somewhere else.

She walked the streets alone after leaving her date and made her way back to her apartment. 

Everything still reminded her of Bucky, these streets that she walked with him, the shelter where she volunteered, and her tiny apartment or her bed where Bucky slept with her that very first night. 

She couldn’t shake him, no matter what she did.

She had tried to stay away completely during the first months but the urge to see him had been too big so she caved.

She caved about once a week lately.

It took some convincing before Steve agreed to give her the address of his friend where Bucky was being kept. She insisted it would help her in finding closure and when he had seen the desperation in her eyes he gave the address without asking any more questions.

She wasn’t allowed in the room but she could see Bucky through the glass wall, sound asleep, without a care in the world, at least that’s what it looked like.

Did he still dream? And were they happy and peaceful dreams now? 

She hoped they were, the thought of him never having to suffer nightmares again was almost enough for her to forgive him for what he did.

She pressed her hand against the glass and let out a deep sigh when she heard someone cough behind her.

‘Hey, Steve,’ she smiled.

‘I should have never told you where he was,’ he sighed,’ this is not closure, Jess, this is not letting go.’

‘Is that why you’re always here too? Because you’re so good at letting go?’ she turned to look at him and found him shaking his head in a little guilty smile.

‘How is life treating you?’ he then asked.

‘Fine, everything’s fine.’

He nodded his head but didn’t say anything, feeling the weight of her words and how she lied.

‘I miss him,’ she whispered.

‘I miss him too.’

‘How’s the work on that cure coming around?’

‘It’s not,’ he confessed in a sigh.

‘Steve…’

‘It’s not something you should be waiting for, Jess,’ he said while he stood next to her and looked into her eyes,’ you should move on with your life, he would have wanted you to.’

‘He is my life,’ she whispered in a shaky voice.

They both stood in silence for a while.

‘Steve?’ she asked after a few minutes,’ What are the effects of cryo sleep on a normal human being?’

The look on his face was one of pure horror and he immediately shook his head firmly,’ Don’t, don’t even go there.’

‘Please just answer my question.’

‘It hasn’t been tested, why would we….’ he shook his head again.

‘Chances of survival?’

‘Jess, please!’

‘Just the facts, not the judgment, please.’

‘Theoretically…it would work just as well on a normal human,’ he admitted, immediately regretting his words.

‘Good.’

‘No, not good, not good at all! Please forget about this, there is no way in the world I’d let you do this. Bucky would kill me.’

‘He can’t kill you while he’s sleeping,’ she gave him a little mischievous smile that made him laugh for a few seconds before he turned serious again.

‘You have no idea what it means to skip all those years, Jess. We don’t know when we’ll be able to pull him out, it could be 1 year but it could also be 5 or 20. The world will move on without you, it’s not a small thing, Jess.’

She could see the pain in his eyes and sighed.

‘You wake up and the entire world is a different place,’ he whispered,’ everyone you’ve ever known has grown old, or worse…’

‘I’m not ignoring that,’ she admitted,’ but…have you ever been in love, Steve? Really in love?’

He just smiled but didn’t answer the question.

‘If you had the chance to spend your life with that person would you risk it? Knowing if you didn’t you could never be with them again, ever?’

‘You would literally be risking your life for him,’ Steve pointed out.

‘I know, but…a life without him…that’s just not a life I want,’ she sighed and stared through the window at Bucky,’ I need to be with him, Steve.’

Steve stayed quiet, trying to let her words sink in, asking himself if he wouldn’t do exactly the same for someone he loved.

‘Please ask your friend for me,’ she begged,’ I want to sleep with Bucky and wake up when he does, so we can build a life together.’

‘He would not want you taking that risk for him,’ Steve made a final attempt to talk her out of it.

Jess crossed her arms in a sigh and looked into his eyes,’ What were the words you used last time? Bucky deserves the dignity of his own choice? So do I, Steve.’

He sighed,’ At least give it some more time, can you do that for me? Wait at least another month or so before you make a life changing decision like that. Take a look at your life and evaluate what you have, go on some more dates, just…make sure you’re sure.’

‘I am sure,’ she insisted,’ but fine, if that makes you feel better I’ll wait, but it won’t change anything. I have to do this.’

***

She understood Steve’s words, she knew it wasn’t a decision to make lightly and she agreed to his compromise to give it some more time. 

So she waited, two more months, to convince him that she was absolutely sure. The truth was she had been sure as soon as the idea came up in her mind.

She had no real family left, only a few friends that would easily go about their lives without her. She wouldn’t be leaving anybody behind. She felt no connection to this world or this time, the only real connection she had felt in years had been with the man that was now gone.

And nothing or nobody could replace him, so the choice was easy.

And she had faith. She believed she met Bucky for a reason and that reason wasn’t to put herself into an early death. Everything that happened since she met Bucky was meant to happen this way, to bring them together.

She held onto that belief as they were prepping her that morning.

Steve’s face was the last thing she saw as they put her on the table and started to sedate her. 

His face was coated in worry but there was also a calm acceptance resting in his eyes. He knew she was going to do this and there was no way to stop her, and he understood.

She reached for his hand and he took it in his and squeezed softly.

‘Jess,’ he sighed.

‘It’s okay, I’m ready, don’t worry about me,’ she took a deep breath,’ This is just like going to sleep, right?’

‘Yeah, nothing to it,’ he reassured her with a little smile while he rubbed her hand with this thumb in a calming gesture.

‘You’ll be here when I wake up.’

‘You know there’s no guarantee I will still be around, we don’t even know…’

‘You’ll be here when I wake up,’ she interrupted him and looked deep into his eyes, looking for a confirmation.

Steve looked away in a little smile but nodded his head, knowing what she needed to hear,’ I’ll be here when you wake up.’

The assistant tapped on Steve’s shoulder,’ We need you to leave the room now, sir.’

‘Okay,’ he leaned closer to Jess,’ Everything will be okay, I’ll watch over you.’

His voice was soft and soothing and she could already feel herself starting to slip away.

‘I know you will,’ she breathed out,’ thank you, Steve, for everything.’

‘You’re welcome,’ he pressed a soft kiss to her forehead,’ Close your eyes now, go to sleep.’

***

It took four people to hold Bucky down, his entire body was shaking aggressively and his chilling screams filled the lab.

‘Breathe, everything is alright,’ one of the female assistants tried to soothe him,’ please breathe, you are safe, James, please calm down.’

Bucky freed himself from her grip and almost hit her right in the face.

‘We need Steve in here, now!’ she yelled and tried to grab his arm again.

It didn’t feel like waking up, it felt like dying. It felt like drowning and not finding the air you desperately needed to survive.

Bucky tried to grab hold of anything he could find but something was holding him down, increasing his panic. There was light coming through the dark and voices trying to reach him from afar but none of that felt real.

It wasn’t until he heard a familiar voice calling out his name that he started to calm down.

‘Bucky!’

Steve pushed him down on the bed and held him there until he stopped struggling.

‘Bucky?’ he repeated,’ can you hear me?’

‘Steve?’ Bucky’s voice was hoarse and quiet. The face staring back at him looked like the man he knew but Bucky wasn’t sure at first.  
His hair was different and there was a beard that wasn’t there before, but once his vision became clearer there was no doubt in his mind. That smile and those eyes belonged to his best friend.

‘It’s me, Buck,’ Steve smiled,’ Welcome back, take it easy, you’ve been gone for a while.’

‘How long?’ Bucky asked while he let his friend help him to sit up on the bed.

Steve didn’t answer him right away.

‘How long?’ he asked again.

Steve put his hand on Bucky’s shoulder and gave him a small, comforting pinch.

‘Eleven years,’ he then spoke softly.

The look in Bucky’s eyes was filled with both shock and relief and Steve nodded his head in a reassuring smile,’ It’s alright, Buck, they found a way.’

‘Sir?’ the assistant interrupted them,’ There’s a problem.’

‘What is it?’ Steve asked.

‘We can’t wake her up.’

Steve’s heart sank with her words and his eyes instantly shot towards the glass wall and the lab that sat behind it.

‘Her?’ Bucky’s voice brought him back,’ what do they mean her?’

‘Buck, there’s something else we need to tell you.’

He didn’t need to speak the words, Bucky followed his eyes and could see the room next to his one through the glass wall.   
And the woman lying on the bed, the woman he loved, screaming in pain while two people were holding her down.

Bucky moved from his bed and stepped closer to the glass,’ What did you do?’

The cold tone and anger in Bucky’s voice chilled Steve to the bone and all he could do was shake his head while Bucky started screaming,’ What the hell did you do?!’


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is long overdue! I lost inspiration for this story a while ago and had to put it on hold. I’m so glad to finally give this story the ending it deserves and I’m sorry for making you guys wait so long.
> 
> Time to give Bucky and Jess some closure. No warning for this chapter, this is just all fluff and feels.

She had never been in this house before. Never walked down these stairs or cooked in this kitchen, nor had she ever slept in this bed. Yet every corner of this place felt familiar. She knew it was home.

The bench on the front porch was bathing in sunlight, a soft wind rustled through the leaves of the nearby trees. It was still early and the afternoon was quiet and lazy. The only other sound was the gentle laughter of the man sitting on the bench.

His long legs were stretched out in front of him and his long dark hair was tied into a messy bun. He put his book on his lap and greeted her with a loving smile while his hand reached out, trying to grab hers.

’Jess, come here,’ he whispered,’ Jess?’

She didn’t answer him.

‘Why won’t you come home to me?’ he sighed.

It was a dream, always the same one. Jess could feel Bucky right beside her but she didn’t know how to reach out to him. As if they were in two parallel worlds, existing in the same place and time but never able to connect. She knew he was there yet she couldn’t find him.

Steve walked in to find Bucky by the side of her bed, holding her hand firmly in his.

‘You need to get some rest.’

‘I just woke up from an 11 year long nap, I’m fine,’ Bucky threw back, keeping his eyes on Jess and gently rubbing her hand with his thumb.

‘She just needs time,’ Steve’s voice was softer and more reassuring this time,’ she’s the first to ever…this is unprecedented, we have no way of knowing how her body will react.’

‘Right, and yet you let her do this.’

Steve tried to defend himself,’ She didn’t actually leave me much of a choice, Buck.’

Bucky stayed quiet and Steve sighed defeated. He didn’t want there to be any anger between them but the truth was he couldn’t really blame Bucky for being angry. He would be too if the roles were reversed, he just needed Bucky to understand.

‘Did you think I didn’t try to talk her out of it? Trust me I did nothing else for weeks, months even, but she wasn’t having any of it, you know how stubborn she gets,’ Steve added and much to his surprise Bucky let out a little chuckle.

He looked over his shoulder to meet Steve’s eyes,’ Yeah, I know. I know, Steve.’

 

The gentle smile on Bucky’s face was enough to calm Steve down and reassure him Bucky wasn’t angry, he was just scared.   
Scared that she’d never wake up again.

‘It’s going to be fine,’ Steve spoke quietly,’ She’ll come back from this.’

‘You don’t know that.’

‘I don’t,’ Steve admitted,’ but I believe it.’

Bucky gave him a thankful smile but his eyes lacked conviction.

‘The universe owes you happiness, Bucky, call me naive but I believe it will deliver this time.’

 

***

 

Jess was in the backyard of the house this time, the grass a soft green bed underneath her while the sun poured it’s warmth all over her skin. The whole scene felt almost too peaceful and too perfect to be real. 

Bucky was lying beside her. Their hands were almost touching but not quite yet, but his mere presence was enough to put a smile on her face.

‘Where are we?’ she asked.

‘We’re home,’ he smiled,’ I mean I am home, I’m just waiting for you to join me.’

‘I’m here, I’m right beside you.’

He turned to look into her eyes, his soft smile changed into a frown,’ No, you’re not.’

It was dark outside of her room and Bucky drew the curtains closed before he sat down on the side of the bed. His hand quickly searched for hers again, he wanted to keep touching her, remind her that he was right here.

But right here might as well have been another galaxy.

It had been two weeks now since he woke up from cryo. And since she didn’t.

It wasn’t a coma exactly, they didn’t know exactly what it was, all her vitals were perfectly fine. She just didn’t seem to wake up.

Bucky hadn’t left the compound and he wasn’t going to until he could take her with him.

He carefully crawled up the bed to lay down beside her, an arm draped across her stomach. It was how he usually fell asleep at night, close to her, pretending for a few hours a day that everything was as it should be.

 

***

 

Everything was as it should be.

The morning sun peaked through the curtains and the soft sheets embraced her naked skin, keeping her in a warm cocoon. She felt so relaxed and so safe, and she knew Bucky was right there beside her in the bed even though she couldn’t actually feel him.

Why couldn’t she feel him?

He always seemed to be with her yet she was never able to touch him. And she wanted to, more desperately with each day that passed.

Everything was as it should be and yet it was not. She knew this world was a dream and she didn’t know how to pull herself out of it.

She whispered his name, her own voice an unfamiliar sound in her ears.

‘Bucky?’ she repeated,’ Bucky?’

There was no answer. And suddenly she was alone in the house, the bed was cold, and the sunlight was fading and nothing was as it should be.

‘Bucky?!’

Steve was with her first, holding her down on the bed while she screamed Bucky’s name.

‘Breathe, breathe,’ Steve whispered softly, holding her by her shoulders,’ take it easy, you’re okay, everything is okay, just breathe.’

It took her several minutes to follow his instructions and calm herself down.

The light in the room was bright and his hands felt heavy on her shoulders. She grabbed his arms, smiling a relieved smile at the feel of his muscles underneath her hands.

‘I can feel you,’ she breathed,’ you’re real, you’re here.’

‘I promised you I’d be here when you woke up,’ Steve smiled.

Jess looked around the room and then back to Steve, taking in his face and staring into his eyes. 

Steve gave her some time to gather her thoughts. ‘You remember me, right?’ he asked after a while.

Jess nodded her head and reached out to touch his beard,’ There’s no razors in the future?’

‘You remember,’ Steve laughed relieved.

‘Most of it, I think.’

He nodded and watched how the relief on her face changed into something different, more serious.

‘How much time?’ she then asked.

‘Eleven years and 4 months.’

He watched her swallow and when her eyes looked up to his again he could read the fear all over her face.

‘Bucky?’ she whispered shakily.

‘He’s fine, he’s been waiting for you,’ Steve smiled and he saw her eyes focus on something behind him in the room.

‘Bucky,’ she repeated, in tears this time.

Steve quickly moved aside to let Bucky take his place.

Bucky could only stare at her at first, unable to process that she was sitting up in the bed, awake and speaking his name while just a few minutes ago she had been a lifeless body in the bed.

He carefully moved closer to her, he was afraid to touch her, afraid to break the spell and have this be nothing but a dream.

When she reached out and took his hand Bucky broke down. He sank onto the bed, arms wrapped tightly around her waist and his head buried against her chest, both letting out tears of relief and happiness.

 

***

 

It was dark outside as Jess was staring at the city lights. Eleven years had passed and to her it had felt like a really long night of sleep. She still couldn’t grasp the reality of it.

Eleven years, gone in the blink of an eye. What was the world even like now? How much of it had changed? Or how little?

Bucky laced his fingers with hers, bringing her right back into that reality.

‘Hey,’ he whispered softly.

She clung to his hand, feeling the butterflies in her stomach when their eyes locked. Had it really been eleven years since she last looked at that gorgeous face?

Bucky gently pulled her against his chest and put a soft kiss on her lips. Jess closed her eyes and melted.

And just like that it was all worth it.

And there was no doubt in her mind she would do it all again, to be with him. There wasn’t anything in this world she wouldn’t do to be with him.

‘I still owe you a lecture,’ Bucky spoke seriously but she just laughed.

‘I mean it,’ he added,’ you shouldn’t have done that, you could have died.’

‘But I didn’t,’ she put her arms around his neck.

Bucky pulled her closer and sighed,’ I would have never been able to live with myself if something had happened to you.’

The pain in his voice wiped the smile off her face and she leaned her forehead against his,’ You don’t always have to take everything on your shoulders, James.’

‘If you’d have gotten hurt, or worse…’

‘Then it would have been my fault and mine alone,’ she stopped him from finishing that thought.

Bucky let out a deep sigh but didn’t say anything.

‘I couldn’t live without you,’ Jess then confessed,’ I tried but I just couldn’t do it.’

Bucky leaned in and pressed his mouth on hers in a soft kiss. Jess didn’t hesitate, she pulled him closer and deepened the kiss. She clung to his shoulders and sighed against his lips while happy tears rolled down her cheeks.

‘It was stupid,’ Bucky whispered.

His voice was shaking and Jess noticed there were tears in his eyes as well.

‘I know,’ she was smiling and crying at the same time.

‘I wanted to kick you for being so stupid,’ Bucky sobbed,’ but I’m so happy you’re so stupid.’

They both laughed.

‘Because I couldn’t live without you either,’ he added in a whisper and kissed her again, softly and slowly.

‘You still taste the same,’ she smiled.

‘So do you,’ Bucky guided her towards the bed and sat her down,’ They found a cure, there’s no more nightmares, no more triggers, they got rid of it all.’

‘I know, Steve told me,’ Jess smiled.

‘It’s like…I don’t even remember when I last felt like…myself. I still feel guilt and I still struggle but…at least I’m no longer able to hurt anyone. I’m no longer a monster.’

‘You never were a monster to me, James,’ she caressed his hair and he closed his eyes in a happy smile.

‘I have a whole life ahead of me, I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to do now.’

The happy smile on his face was so new, so unlike anything she had ever seen on him, it made her heart melt into a puddle.

‘We can find you a home now,’ she spoke softly.

‘A home?’

‘Yeah, no more moving around, no more homeless shelters or abandoned apartments to crash in, a real actual home.’

‘I already found a home,’ Bucky hugged her tighter and whispered into her ear,’ It’s wherever you are.’


End file.
